Vowels

A new historical short from Stolen Donkey

THE: Vampire Hunter

My thesis film: THE: Vampire Hunter written, directed, and produced by yours truly.

THE: Vampire Hunter from William Morey on Vimeo.

A funny sketch

For those of you not in the know I belong to a comedy troupe known as Stolen Donkey here's our latest sketch, Highlander reviews are still forthcoming.

Thuvia Maid of Mars Review

I’ve been a terrible blogger. I made this big huge deal about going through the Highlander movies and reviewing each one, and I completely snuffed my readers, by distinctly not doing that.

I apologize for that, the reviews will happen, don’t worry gentle readers, to tide you over for the immortals here’s a review of “Thuvia Maid of Mars” by Edgar Rice Burroughs.



“Thuvia Maid of Mars” is the fourth book in Edgar Rice Burroughs’ Mars or Barsoom series. This series is only second to the Tarzan series in Burroughs’ oeuvre, and has been largely forgotten by the general public. Whereas you can walk up to any American and they’ll know who Tarzan is, if you walk up to an average American they would have absolutely no clue who or what Barsoom or John Carter are.

With that all in mind, let’s refresh shall we? The first book called “The Princess of Mars”, John Carter was an ex-confederate soldier who was hunting for gold in Arizona when he is suddenly attacked by Indians and miraculously astrally projects himself to Mars.



On Mars, John Carter meets Dejah Thoris, the beautiful Red Martian, the “princess” of the books title. Of course when Carter meets her she’s being attacked by giant green four armed creatures, called Tharks, the Green Martians of Mars.

Burroughs mars is a wacky place, it’s full of four armed white apes, Red Martians, Yellow Martians, Black Martians. It’s a world where swords, are used right along side pistols, and ships can fly. Remember the first book was written in 1912, well before there were such things as science fiction.

Carter quickly finds that due to the difference between Earth’s gravity and Mars, he can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Of course Carter our scrappy hero, wins the heart of Dejah Thoris, and in the second and third books unites Mars(or Barsoom as the Martians call it) and becomes the warlord of Mars.



Let’s be perfectly clear here Burroughs was not a terribly good writer, imaginative, yes, good? Not so much. He relies very heavily on formula and the same plot. We can’t, exactly hold this against him of course, he was writing for the pulps, and when you are writing under that time frame it’s understandable you’re going to rely on what works, and what is the fastest to write.

Which brings us to the fourth Barsoom book, “Thuvia Maid of Mars”. What’s interesting here, is that the main characters of the book are not John Carter or Dejah Thoris, but their son Cathoris, and Thuvia a feisty minor character you meet in the second Mars book.



Our story opens with Thuvia in her home city of Ptarth, where Our Villain Astok Prince of neighboring city state Dusar tries to subject himself to Thuvai, she rebuffs him, but he still is not getting the hint, and Cathoris leaps to her rescue. Astok leaves, like a whiny little bitch and swears revenge.

After the commotion, Cathoris professes his love for Thuvia, but she of course is betrothed to another. This breaks Cathoris’ little heart, but he being a man of chilvary, decides he’s just going to go home.

Astok, then complicates matters by up and kidnapping Thuvia, and implicating Cathoris in the process. When Cathoris hears about this he jumps to the ready to find Thuvia and the adventure begins.

So we’ve got all the Burroughs plot elements, we’ve got the lecherous villain, in Astok. We’ve got Thuvia, he heroine who needs to be rescued, and we’ve got our noble hero, who after finding out that Thuvia has been kidnapped leaps into his flyer to save her, not out of some sense that maybe this will lead to her loving him, but literally he’s just doing it to keep her safe.


It’s like those day dreams I used to have when I was twelve, a cute girl in my sixth grade class would be threatened by bullies, space aliens, monsters, what have you, and I would swoop down in my jet pack, and it was always a jet pack. Save the girl from the threat. The girl would inevitably swoon, and fall head over heels for me, and offer a kiss, I would decline opting out of the kiss and flying into the heavens on another adventure. Which leads me to conclude that I would most likely be more neurotic than I am had I read these books when I was twelve.

Cathoris eventually finds Thuvia in a broken down flier, and being attacked by Green Martians. Cathoris gives chase, which eventually leads him to a hidden valley in one of the dead seas of Barsoom. The Green Men are suddenly attacked by the Lotharians and millions upon millions of archers, and Banths(a kind of six legged lion).

Cathoris having inherited some of Dad’s special gravity defying tricks (I think if I tried to figure out how this happened my brain might explode) leaps into the fray and saves Thuvia from the hands of the Green Martians who are quickly being decimated by those damn archers.

Cathoris and Thuvia escape. And Thuvia of course thinks Cathoris is the one at fault for kidnapping her. Which if you apply logic to the situation wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense. Thuvia implies that Cathoris had 1) Thuvia kidnapped, 2) Had his crew attacked by the Green Martians and 3) Risked his own neck to save her. I guess it’s not THAT far fetched, considering from what it sounds like, that’s exactly the type of plan most people on Barsoom come up with. Also, Thuvia gives in to her baser tempers every so often, so she’s just in the heat of the moment.

It should be pointed out here, that Thuvia is interesting because she’s a little bit feistier than most Burroughs’ heroines, resembling Burroughs other famous female character Jane in some of the later Tarzan books. Thuvia is feisty, self sufficient, and has this crazy ability to hypnotize lions, which is a nice little trick and gets Burroughs out of some narrative log jams in the story.

However, like all Burroughs female characters she still has to be saved by Cathoris, how the hell else are you expecting them to fall in love? Talking over a game of Jetan (martian version of chess)?

Despite Thuvia’s reticence about Cathoris they make their way to the city of Lothar, which is a lost city of Barsoom, where as the population started to die out, and by constant attacks from the Green Martians they’ve developed this technique of creating imaginary people, namely the archers. There’s a fun little moment where Cathoris asks what the hell is going on with this wacky place and the Lotharian tells them that are two factions of the Lotharians, the “etherialists” who believe there is no such thing as matter, only mind and the “realists” who believe the opposite. This weirds Cathorsis out. Which is amusing because the weird barometer on Barsoom is pretty high, so when something wigs a Martian out, it’s gotta be pretty strange.

Thuvai and Cathoris are separated but, Thuvia manages to escape the clutches of the Lotharians. Cathoris makes a new friend in Koar the once imaginary archer/ ancient legendary hero of the Lotharians. They after Thuvia and just when it looks like things are going to be okay, Thuvia is kidnapped by Astok.

Poor Thuvia suffers so much abuse in this book, that you could call the book “Thuvia and no good, very horrible, rotten day”, but considering through the first half, she’s insufferably annoying, I wouldn’t call the book that, I also wouldn’t call Thuvia poor either, I mean everybody wants to marry this chick, even though she’s a spoiled brat.

Meanwhile the implication of Cathoris as kidnapping Thuvia has literally set Barsoom on the brink of a civil war. Ptharth Thuvia’s city is sending its battle ships against Helium (Cathorsis’ city), and things look really bad.

I’m not entirely sure what Ptarth thinks it can accomplish, John Carter is of course the Warlord of Mars and he lives in Helium, he knows the Black Men of Barsoom, the Yellow Men, and they will all rally behind him, unless Ptarth just feels like getting their ass handed to them because of a slight of honor, which again makes some Barsoomian sense of logic, but wouldn’t make any strategic sense.

In other Burroughs touch Cathoris impersonates a Panthan(read Ronin). And of course through a series of events Cathoris and Koar manage to kill Astok, and they are running into the fray of the civil war, when they come across the Green Men attacking a ship. Cathoris being the most honorable man in the universe swings down to save him, and in an amusing plot contrivance it happens to be Kulan Tith Thuvia’s intended betrothed. Thanks to Cathoris, well, really thanks to Koar who without his imaginary warriors Cathoris would not have beaten back the Green Martians. Even more amusingly, Koar runs with his archers after the Green Men. Never to be seen again.

Cathoris professes his love for Thuvia, and Thuvia nearly cries because she realizes she does love Cathoris. Kulan Tith over hears all of this and instead of being pissed off that his bride to be doesn’t love him, he takes the higher road and says that’s okay, that it’s better to be with the one you love, and I won’t marry Thuvia.

And the book ends.

WAIT? WHAT? That’s it? I mean, okay, I can infer that the civil war was averted and Cathorsis and Thuvai got married, and may have had kids, but, I mean, it’s not like there are very good communication systems on Barsoom. Did half the planet go to war and then find out that they didn’t really need to do that? It was all fine!? Cathorsis was in a dead sea with his bride to be, while the rest of the world went to war?

So, “Thuvia Maid of Mars” is not going to win any literary awards but it is a rip-roaring fun adventure story. Barsoom is always a fun place to visit. This time out the Lotharians are a fun and amusing and present an interesting threat. Cathoris while being a John Carter clone has a better sense of humor than his super serious father, and Thuvia although being insufferable at the start of the book grew on me. Burroughs always seems to be having more fun on Barsoom than he ever does with his most famous creation, Tarzan. Which I find interesting, and sort of sad, while Tarzan is remembered, the Barsoom novels have been far more influential to science fiction, without them we wouldn’t have Star Wars.

There can be only one!

The other day, I was cruising around the internet and I read a reference to the Highlander series. I realized, me being the geek that I am, I had never actually seen the first Highlander movie. I saw most of it with friends, but we didn't pay any attention to it. I had seen the third movie in theaters when I was ten years old, and I remember distinctly thinking "This is the coolest thing I have ever seen! I have absolutely no idea what is going on". To this day I haven't seen the movie again, and I still have no clue what happened in that movie.

So here we are, and I have this blog. I figure I'll spend the next five days watching ALL five Highlander movies, and reviewing each one on this blog.

So, diving into the depths of madness that is the Highlander franchise I may as well watch the TV series too. And thanks to Hulu it has the entire series online.

Why am I doing this?

Boredom, and a desire to do something with this blog that's not completely random movie reviews.

So, expect a review of the first Highlander sometime this week, the second next week and so on.


So to close this post I ask my readers this one question: Can you name any other film franchise that has spawned: 4 sequels, 2 live action TV series, an animated series, and an anime feature film? The closest I can think of is RoboCop, but I'm not sure.

Now remember everyone; in the end there can be only one!

Watchmen

Imagine a 130 million dollar superhero studio film that has:

1. No superheroics.
2. Three different first person narrations.
3. Flashbacks within flashbacks.
4. A male character who is nude throughout the entire film.
5. A story that covers 40 years of history.
6. No pat answers to anything
7. OH and no happy ending.

Now, imagine you’ve just walked out of “Batman and Robin” in 1997, and you’ve just said to yourself “Wow, that movie was a piece of dog feces”. Then up comes some random time traveler from the year 2009 and says to you “In twelve years the studio that produced this movie, will produce the movie I just described”. You’d laugh in their face, and possibly hit them.

I first read Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons graphic novel Watchmen my freshman year of high school this would be 1999-2000. I think I picked it up because I was reading on the internet that it was finally going to be made into a movie, or it was because Terry Gilliam had been involved in the project, and Gilliam is one of my favorite filmmakers so I decided I’d pick up the book. I hated it the first time through. I found it, long, overblown, ultimately rudderless, and I also found it boring. I got what it was trying to do, but I was expecting something more along the lines of Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns. I mean, yeah Miller’s work deconstructed the superhero myth, but he at least had superhero fights in it! Was what I thought at the time. About two years later, for one reason or another I picked up Watchmen again. And I loved it. I suddenly GOT it, I understood the deconstruction of the superhero, I understood WHY the heroes in the novel never did anything particularly heroic, why there were no super villains, I was supremely affected by Dr. Manhattan’s existential musings on the nature of human beings. I got all the little jokes in there. Isn’t it funny how a work of art can completely change because of life experiences?

When I heard that Zach Snyder was going to direct Watchmen, I was quite terrified. I found his first film, the remake of Dawn of the Dead quite good, but his second film 300, was quite possibly one of the worst movies of the past ten years. I was scared that the adaptation of Watchmen would fall apart in a merge of hyper stylized CGI, and random gratuitous violence. I was positive he would get the material visually, but the one thing Snyder lacks as a director, was subtlety.

For those not in the know, Watchmen is a twelve issue comic book series by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons, published in 1985 it is a deconstruction of superheroes. The question it ultimately poses is this: “If superheroes existed in the real world, what would have happened?” The graphic novel spans 40 years of this alternate history, it flashes back, has flashbacks within flashbacks, extra text material appended to the back of each issue. The novel has a comic book within the comic book that a character is reading. It has a ton of minor characters, acting as the Greek chorus to the apocalyptic superhero nightmare going on around them. If you are a screenwriter and you are tasked to not only adapt Watchmen to the screen, but also conform it to studio standards, I think I would have a minor heart attack. Which is why the screen adaptation has been in development hell for so long. In actuality it would be an interesting piece to have seen adapted to the stage.

Now here we are…it’s 2009 and the director of 300 has made Watchmen. All I can really say is…WOW. From the opening frames of the film where the superhero Comedian is brutally murdered to the strains of Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable”. I was drawn right in. Then the opening credits began, I can’t talk about these opening titles enough, hands down it is one of the best sequences ever put to film. It is a montage of images starting in 1939 and leading to the alternate 1985 of the film, iconic images from our actual history, the World War II V day Kiss, the Kennedy Assassination, the moon landing, Studio 54, Andy Warhol, with the question behind it “What if superheroes existed during this time”. Set to the strains a very iconic song. The montage is stirring, moving, and funny.

Quick rundown of the plot: It is 1985 superheroes have existed since 1939, but recently they have been banned, except for two heroes who work within the government The Comedian a kind of mercenary soldier(think Nick Fury or Captain America), and Dr. Manhattan, the only superhero who has any super powers created in an atomic lab accident he is a blue glowing naked god-like being. And because the U.S. has this being on their side it allowed the U.S. to win the war in Vietnam, which in turn allowed Nixon to be president for three consecutive terms in office. Even so, the U.S. and Russia are still in an arms race and are more than likely going to nuclear war with each other. And the doomsday clock is inching ever closer to midnight. Amidst this someone is killing off the former superheroes, starting with the Comedian. Who is the murderer? Is there a bigger conspiracy? And what does it mean for the fate of the world.

I loved Watchmen. The film is powerful, affecting, funny, campy, and ultimately human. It worked as a film, not just an adaptation, but as a film. Yes there have been some changes, and cuts; some obvious (cutting the comic within a comic would be the first thing to go), and some not so obvious the specifics of the MacGuffin have changed, but thematically it’s all the same, and that’s all that really matters.

Across the board, the cast just nails it. Patrick Wilson brings the schlubby good natured, fighting paunchiness of Nite Owl II brilliantly to life. Malin Ackerman makes Silk Spectre II interesting, which she’s really not in the novel, let’s face it she’s really annoying in the book. Matthew Goode as Ozymandias is the actor who has been getting the most flack for his performance. I think the actor is too young for the role, but that being said he brings a dark sense of tragedy to the film, that the character had in the novel, but it’s not exactly the forefront of his character. Watch as he delivers the line “I feel every single life…” it’s heartbreaking and pompous in the right ways.

But there are three huge standouts in the cast, that just bring everything they have to their roles; Jackie Earle Haley as the vigilante known as Rorschach is terrifyingly brilliant, he keeps you on your toes and watch his delivery on “I’m not imprisoned here with you, you’re trapped in here with me” it’s chilling. Jeffrey Dean Morgan as The Comedian makes an extremely unlikable character, human. Here is a man who has done terrible things in the name of his country, and just as a person, he sees the dark underbelly of humanity, he is Kurtz from Heart of Darkness. It’s an amazing performance, and to be fair if his performance did not work the film would fall completely apart. Billy Crudup’s shy meditative voice is perfect for Dr. Manhattan the blue naked god, underneath the digital effects and motion capture, comes a sad haunting performance. When Dr. Manhattan finds himself tired of humanity and goes to Mars, Crudup brings the world weary sense of Hamlet to the role, “I have of late, but wherefore not know have lost all my mirth…”.

Okay, so I’ve just gushed all over this movie, but it’s not perfect. While on the whole the film looks absolutely stunning, some of the aging makeup really doesn’t work, and the guy playing Nixon, looks very cartoony, which I think was done on purpose, but it doesn’t exactly work.
All that being said, the movie is very good. I say see it, see it in the movie theater don’t wait for this one on DVD, see it. This is an important film and the things that it has to say about the use and abuse of power, do the ends justify the means, and human nature are important. Don’t forget this is coming from a 130 million dollar studio superhero film, and that my friends, is an amazing achievement.

Clearing out the tumbleweeds

Well hello! I’m a bad blogger. I’ve let this place, what is supposed to be the home for my deepest, darkest thoughts basically grows the cyber equivalent of tumbleweeds. Well fear no more! I’m back and with my promise of keeping you informed of the strange, wacky, and weird. Well, okay that’s not exactly true. But I am going to try to update this thing more at least. I mean I’ve got new DVD’s to talk about and review…keep an eye out for DVD reviews of Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer,

Speed Racer (yes I know it came out a month ago on DVD, and no I don’t care), and stories about working with C. Thomas Howell, and Judd Nelson on a sci fi feature film!

But that’s all in the future. Right here and now let’s talk about my favorite comic book character…DEADPOOL. A short review since everybody else has talked to death about these three issues.

That’s right kids Deadpool the merc with a mouth just gained his own ongoing monthly series!

Let’s recap Deadpool is like Wolverine, except take out all the morals and the claws, and have him be delightfully bug fuck nuts, and only speak in pop culture references. Deadpool previously had a series with his longtime enemy/buddy Cable called Cable and Deadpool, which got canceled so Cable could have his on going series. And now Daneil Way and Paco Medina have taken over the Merc with a Mouth’s on going series with a three-part arc tying into Marvel’s Battlestar Galactica riff secret invasion.

I was dubious going into this series, I gotta say. Daniel Way has been very hit or miss, on the one had he’s written some hilariously over the top violent extravaganza’s like that Bullseye versus Punisher miniseries, or Bullseye: Greatest Hits and on the other hand he’s been writing Wolverine: Origins which has been one of the single boring things to read. I mean seriously did we NEED another book where Wolverine finds his long lost memories and then has to globe hop to deal with them? Wolverine isn’t interesting when he’s doing that. Does anybody in the comics world REMEMBER the 90’s and what Wolverine was like? I guess not. In any event Daniel Way knocks Deapool out of the park. Deadpool is everything it should be, a funny, ridiculous hyper violent spoof of comics. I’m thoroughly convinced Daniel Way has been writing the wrong book all this time, I mean seriously he can write over the top action, but anything that’s strictly continuity based…it just gets boring, maybe it’s boring for him I dunno.

Anyway if you read comics pick up Deadpool #1-3 you won’t be disappointed. Let’s just hope Bob: agent of Hydra shows up in this series.


So yes, I'll try to make this blog something worth reading from here on in.